Surgery

so....

I am getting a hysterectomy.

Not because I want to, but I kind of... have to.

There are many variables involved.
One- I have Endometriosis and it's getting bad, really bad. The pain is almost unbearable at times and I sit around with heating pads barking orders, bitching and generally feeling angry about it. I also have multiple cysts on my right ovary which aren't helping...not fun.
Two- I have Interstitial Cystitis (a bladder disease) which sucks on it's own, but add the endo and it's only making it worse.
Three - the Lupus just aggravates everything. :enter evil/angry/annoyed squint:

I want another baby. As much as I say I don't... I do.
Deep down, I knew it wasn't the best thing for ME. So, at my recent OBGYN appt to get the results of a bunch of tests I had done...I asked some questions:
-'How will it affect me'.. knowing the answer.
-'How will it affect the baby'... NOT knowing the answer... but getting an answer that broke my heart in two.

 Everything he described that could happen, happened to my son, my second born... he was a very very sick little boy. I didn't know I had Lupus then. I had symptoms, sure.. but no diagnosis. We had no idea, doctors had no idea what was wrong with him or WHY he had so many issues going on.

But now I know, and suddenly the guilt was overwhelming. I know it's NOT my fault, but I couldn't help but feel guilty and I lost it. I cried. A lot. All afternoon. Even into the next Dr appt that afternoon. "I" (the Lupus) caused my son to nearly lose his life and caused a whole lot of stress on me and my entire family.

I can't put another baby through that.. heck, I can't put myself, my husband or my kids through that.

So, I am having a hysterectomy, they are removing my right ovary (it's full of cysts anyway). Leaving the left one in the hopes it will keep hormone levels at a 'normal' rate and hopefully keep the Lupus from going 'bazerk'.
The Endometriosis will be gone. That's good. I could have dealt with that though... the Lupus and the risk to a baby or myself... I can't deal with.

Stupid Lupus.